Start a love story. Match your friends.

A new ad and website appeared this week–Matchmyfriend.com Brilliant marketing! What you won’t do for yourself you’ll do for your friends—and secretly hope they do it for you. Like a surprise party! Does anyone really appreciate a match-maker? Of course, when they’re not blatant about it. Why not silently arrange a rendezvous? It’s easy to have both people show up in the same location. It’s the darned announcing of “said meeting” that makes everyone uncomfortable. Don’t even start a conversation with “you’ve gotta meet Bob, he’s blah, blah, blah, and perfect for you.” Just leave that in your head, unspoken, and arrange a meeting. If they are “perfect” for each other, then fate will step in and what happens next is unstoppable—because that’s what happens in true love. Something primordial takes over. Call it chemistry; call it passion, but a force all consuming steps in and you’re on a shooting star heading out to heaven. Who doesn’t appreciate a hook-up, no matter where it comes from or who sets it up? It’s just a lot easier to let happen. Love throws its own surprise party.
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It’s five days til Christmas and I’ve yet to do my shopping. I’m not a procrastinator by mental wiring. I like getting projects done before deadlines loom. I’ve been putting off my shopping until the cash flow improves. I have been browsing for gifts for my three teenagers online though, and I’m reading the Exchange Policies. After all, what good is a present if the person doesn’t like it and won’t use it.  Many companies make exchanging items easy. And all this has me thinking of my own internal “exchange policies.” Here’s one thought I’ve recently exchanged:

I recently parted from a j-o-b.  My first in 16 years actually. I’ve run my own sales/marketing/communications company since 1991 and early this past year, strapped for cash and credit limits maxed, I became an employee for someone else. It was a brutal mental game. I worked everyday to “hold the light” and be positive as I worked in an office focused on the negative–mine, our team’s, and our client’s. I cried every Monday morning. The stress was tremendous.

Time to activate the Exchange Policy! I’ve exchanged the stress of having to work for someone else with the pressure of once again being on my own–self-sufficient, and responsible for three teenagers, two cats, and a condo. I’ve got January’s rent covered. February? Yet to be determined.

But if I get to choose–and you know I do–I choose the pressure of the unknown versus the pressures put upon me by others. I’m back in positive mode full time–and no longer crying on Monday mornings. My days are my own to make or break–and I choose to “wonder” where the next client is coming from versus the thoughts of how to cope in an energy cesspool.

Occasionally I replace the pressures of a job with the fears of not being financially successful, but who’s got time for such nonsense thoughts. And isn’t it wonderful knowing that if the fears do creep in, I can exchange those, too.

Communication Made Simple:  S-O-F-T-E-N Your Approach

Here’s a simple acronym that’ll help you build rapport with almost everyone you meet.

“S” Stands for smile.  To make a great impression, always wear a smile.  (Or at least a pleasant expression on your face.)  You’re never fully dressed without your smile.  Put it on in the morning when you put on your underwear.  (If you don’t wear underwear, that’s a whole ‘nother reason to smile.)

“O” stands for open.  Keep your body posture open.  Don’t cross your arms in front of your chest or stomach—it’s closes off the third chakra energy center.  If you must, put your hands in your front pockets—although back pockets are best as it opens up your energy centers even more.

“F” stands for forward lean.  Show people you’re interested in them by leaning slightly toward them.  If you’re standing next to them, bend the knee that’s closest two them to produce a natural stance.  At the very least, tilt your head in their direction.

“T” stands for touch.  Occasionally reach over and touch the person you’re speaking to on the hand or arm, perhaps the shoulder or upper back.  It builds camaraderie and rapport with a simple exchange of energy.  Careful not to offend with an unwanted lingering touch.

“E” stands for eye contact.  Eyes are the windows to the soul.  (That makes your eyebrows the curtains.)  Some people have very direct eye contact and others are more comfortable with intermittent eye contact.  Look people in the eye but soften your gaze if they start to advert their eyes.  Imagine using a dimmer switch to turn down the “volume” or intensity of your gaze.

“N” stands for nod.  Use visual confirmation that you’re listening—nod your head while you’re making eye contact with the person who is talking.  Notice that women nod their heads more than men.  Women nod to indicate “yes, I’m listening.”  Men nod their heads when they are in agreement.

For more suggestions on building communication skills, read why you should Drop the F-Bomb. 

Our words create our worlds. 

Positive affirmations, prayers, spells, whatever you call them, what we speak has a greater potential of turning into reality than the words we don’t speak.  That’s why I try hard to never utter words or phrases that I don’t want to come true. And I’ll deny or negate negative phrases when someone idly tosses them my way…like, you’re going to get a speeding ticket–you’re due.  Delete, delete–not me!

Here are a few words I’m letting go of–removing from my vocabulary–now:

1.      FEAR. I’m letting go of fear in the traditional sense of the anxiety and doubts we focus our thoughts on. Someone once told me FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.  Translation: A situation only appears fearful because of the interpretations we place on it.  I’m changing my interpretation of FEAR to Forgetting Everything’s All Right. 

2.      WORRY.  Worrying is stewing without doing.  Worry is also a fear-based emotion.  Playing off of Forgetting Everything’s All Right, I’m letting go of the emotional angst of worry.  After all, worry is only a question of what’s going to happen in the future.  From now on I’m going to “wonder” what will happen.  Instead of “I’m worried about what’s going to happen,” I choose to think (and speak) “I WONDER what’s going to happen.”  It’s open with positive expectation.

3.      BUT.  When’s the last time you were “but”ed in a conversation?  And how did it make you feel?  Negated, right?  And how about the popular phrase “yes, but”?  It sounds as if someone is agreeing with you but they’re not.  They’re negating your words (and consequently your opinion and you).  Instead of “but,” why not the word “and”?  “Yes, and have you thought of this?” Or, “yes, and I see it this way.”  AND is a word that affirms the other while opening them to another way of looking at something.  Your way.

Let go of these words and you’ll let go of a bit of negativity.  

Like a champagne bottle, I feel like I’ve been uncorked. Two weeks ago I was released from a j-o-b that didn’t suit my divine purpose.

After 16 years of running my own business—seven of those as a motivational speaker–I was working for someone whose passion and mission seemed to match my own. As I worked with this person for eleven months though, I discovered just how far apart we were on our philosophies, the everyday execution…and even our language.

It was a Team Meeting that helped us both see the light…

My boss had handed us all a copy of a slide from one of our corporate slide show trainings. It had the word “pressure” across the top in deep red. Under that was a black line across the page that represents “you.” Under that line were bunches of white dots which reminded me of little atoms of energy floating beneath the surface. They all sat atop the word “perturbation,” typed bold in blood red. (Let me save you a trip to Dictionary.com. Perturbation is the root word of “perturb,” meaning: 1. throw into confusion or disorder. 2. disturb mentally; agitate.)

The print visually represented one way for someone to “pop” and have a major break-though. That’s one way we help our clients—help give them a new perspective to move the person forward. After all, there’s nothing like a bit of angst to help you look at life differently. But is that the only way?!

When asked what I thought, I said I preferred the word “percolation” to “perturbation.” The emotional state of “perturbation” was uncomfortable and– I was cut off. Interruptions were common in our office. I was told that was the language we used in our office and culture. When I shut my mouth and deferred, he pressed me to share my opinion.

So the speaker in me, the spirit in me, the person who has studied language and how to use words to inspire, encourage, and motivate people since she was 15 yrs. old, shared her opinion.

Our words create our worlds, I began, and when we use words with negative energy patterns anchored to them, we feel negativity. Confusion, sadness, anger, anxiety are all words that can be associated with “perturbation.”

“Percolation” is the same energy movement as “perturbation” without the negative emotions attached to it. To percolate—like a coffee pot—is neutral. And for some of us even, a percolating pot of coffee summons up good memories and feelings. Energy is still moving behind the scenes, under the line, inside, causing us to grow.

People can have major breakthroughs in their life in moments of great joy as well as pain, I went on to explain to the Team. We create our working environment, our lives, and our worlds by the language that we use. I preferred the positive word.

The meeting ended and an hour later I was fired for “differing philosophies.”

No more “perturbation” for me.

And actually what’s been percolating in me for months now has been shaken to the core. But the coffee has turned to champagne and I’m fizzy, effervescent, bubbling, and sparkling like the Almond Champagne I recently sampled–positive that what I just came through was a breakthrough—of the uncorked kind.

It’s 4:07 a.m. and I’ve been awake for almost an hour. It started as a jolt out of sleep. I had heard something. When my mind cleared enough to realize I was in my bedroom, I noticed the hallway light from under the door. Who was up? One of the kids? I didn’t remember the light being on when I went to bed.

As I got up to investigate, winky-blinky sleepy-eyed cats met me at the door. Apparently they hadn’t heard it. They were wondering why I was up. The kids bedroom doors were closed and a peek in revealed sugarplum dreams.

Too late now for sleep. I am totally awake. There’s a task I’ve been putting off. This task; my very first blog–my forage into new waters, a new direction for my business and my life. And as always, the financial pressures of raising three kids on my own are on my mind. Will this new direction pay the rent, put food on the table? Not only that–babies need shoes!

This feeling is familiar–unfortunately. Fear. Someone once told me: Fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. It seemed such a logical explanation for such an intense emotion. And even though the evidence “isn’t real,” it sure feels that way. It feels as real as that light in the hallway. I know the spiritual path behind fear. It is here to motivate me, to enlighten me, to push me ahead on my path, but why is it that it brings such angst?

Sitting here, immersed in the light, doing what I do best–writing, I feel some of the tension slipping away. Just writing about it dissipates the emotion and by redirecting my activity I move through it.

Motivational speaker Sandra Smith, of Aspire Productions, said to me a couple years ago when I was in this exact same transition, “change your behavior.” I wanted desperately to be out of the business transition I was in and into stable financial situation. I was tired of falling short every month. Credit card debt was the price I was paying and it was all consuming. Fear took hold of me and I couldn’t get past. I wanted the emotion to stop. Sandra told me I was focused on the wrong thing. She told me to stop trying to “turn off” fear, but instead, keep the emotion and “turn on” activity. Just doing something productive to move my life and business forward would change the intensity of the emotion.

It worked then, and I know it can work now. Except one thing is different today. I’ve come to understand that fear is a common emotion, and thanks to Karla McLaren in her book Emotional Genius, I can now honor that emotion and use its energy to propel me forward–if I focus on changing my behaviors.

I’ve also since discovered that a better acronym for fear is: Forgetting Everything’s All Right. Time to switch my focus to what is right–for me. And now that I’ve gotten this first post, the baby step behind me, perhaps I can just turn off the fear, like the hallway light, and sleep peacefully knowing that everything IS all right. And I’ve done one thing that feels right.