How do you tell the Communication Style of the person you’re chatting with? Listen to the verbal clues:
Boxes say, “I think.”
Circles say, “I feel.”
Squiggles say, “I believe.”
Triangles say, “I know.”
Imagine a typical Sunday morning. Breakfast is on the mind of each of the communication styles, Squares, Triangles, Circles, and Squiggles. A simple suggestion of “going out for breakfast” gets different reactions:
Creatures of habit and ritual, Boxes (because “Square” makes some people uneasy), Boxes awake at their normal time and begin their customary routine: bathroom time, grooming time. If you’re going to disrupt the routine, now is the time to interject.
Cue the Triangle and the Squiggle…
Triangles most usually have a Sunday morning agenda–a list of projects longer than the day, and mentally they’ve already finished breakfast and begun the first task. In reality they haven’t eaten their first bite. They’ll have breakfast at home, if they can delegate the task to you, or just get it themselves on their way to Home Depot. Triangles really don’t care whether you go out to eat or stay in—–as long as you do it FAST!
Squiggles, having declared loudly their intent to sleep until noon, suddenly pop awake at 7 and are out of bed with the chickens. Like Triangles, they have a few things on the “to do” list, that probably includes Circles, but be certain the day is about fun and people–and fun. Breakfast down the road is a great idea and the Squiggle is probably the one that suggested it. Unless he/she sleeps til noon.
Circles could be just as apt to issue a breakfast invitation as a Squiggle, and chances are they have a standing Sunday morning play date, and usually with old friends and family. Or a Circle will be the one whompin’ up biscuits for a sleepy crew. And if a Circle takes time to make breakfast, you’ll find the finishing touches–pretty plates, the newspaper and a small trinket–evidence of their affection. Or the Circle might just take a kitchen break and suggest a nearby restaurant. They will take care of those around them, rest assured.
In the meantime, with the Triangle out the door, the Squiggle and the Circle round up the accessories or the kids. The Square is just now catching on, and they have questions: Where are we going? What do they serve? How far away is it? Do we have gas in the car? Did you know gas is $4.00/gallon? When did you want to leave… They haven’t committed to going to breakfast yet.
A typical Sunday morning breakfast with the shapes.
/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:””; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
Face-to-face communication is tricky business, but when you’re standing toe-to-toe with someone, chances are their physical presence, facial expressions, actions, and tone of voice reinforce the true meaning behind their words. With the written word, the reader is at a disadvantage. The words carry all the weight—or do they?
The Social Media platform that a person selects to relay a message is a clue to their communication style. When you consider the 4 major social media platforms (Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube) and cross-reference that with the 4 major communication styles (Squares, Triangles, Circles, Squiggles), you get a few clues to understanding.
Triangles are fast-paced project people. They’re driven by accomplishment and the need to get things done—quickly! They love to delegate but are sketchy with details. The 140 character limit makes Twitter an excellent tool for Triangles. In addition, Triangles thrive on leadership and recognition so they’ll have a strong presence on Linkedin. Triangles are quick to embrace new technologies once they understand the benefits to the bottom-line. But Triangles are slow to switch from email to social media not wanting to tackle the learning curve until absolutely necessary. Once they make the leap, though, they expect you will too.
Squiggles are fast-paced people people. They are independent thinkers and visionaries. They thrive on crafting, creating, and developing. They’re emotional and spontaneous—and a perfect match for the real-time audience of Twitter. Squiggles are animated and theatrical so YouTube offers unlimited possibilities as well. They’ll maintain a limited profile on Linkedin for professional reasons but will gravitate toward Facebook for lengthier conversations.
Circles will find their Squiggle friends on Facebook and probably spend the majority of time interacting with other Circles—also on Facebook. Circles are slower-paced people people. They are dedicated team players tapped in to the grape vine. They nurture those around them by investing their time. In addition to Facebook, you’ll find them on YouTube. Linkedin won’t provide the social stimulation they’re looking for—too professional, but a smaller social network, Flickr for example, provides in-depth relationships.
Squares, the slower-paced project people, will take the time to learn the social media platforms but see little reason to use them away from work. Squares will have a strong profile on Linkedin but not spend much time interacting. They might use Twitter to relay short burst of info to a team member but prefer email where their correspondence is private (relatively) and allow for lengthy explanations. They appreciate the teaching/training role of YouTube and will spend time educating themselves.
As the social media platforms continue to evolve, the Triangles and Squiggles will adapt quickly. Circles and Squares will join hesitantly but enjoy the camaraderie and ease of operation that only social media can bring.
If you’re new to this information, you must visit Dr. Susan Dellinger’s site. The lights went on the day I heard her explain the different communication styles and their corresponding shapes. Things made a bit more sense; people made a lot more sense. I had a tool which helped explain why people said and did what they did. It explained human behavior to me in the most elementary of mediums: shapes. I’ve used this theory, psycho-geometrics, every day of my life since. Learn it from my textbook mentor, Dr. Susan Dellinger.
st1:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }
/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:””; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
There are 4 communication styles: Squares, Triangles, Circles, and Squiggles. There is a transitional shape, the Rectangle, that complicates the mix, but basically Rectangles are people in transition—a new job or a new relationship, for example. But those Rectangles, for the most part, take on the communication qualities of one of the other four shapes: Squares, Triangles, Circles, or Squiggles.
Want some Ketchup with those Fries?
So let’s say the four shapes are out to lunch together. They all have hamburgers with French fries and they all like ketchup on their fries. Here’s how the scene takes shape:
The Square (the Box actually, because no one likes to be called Square)… The Box will pick-up the ketchup bottle and begin a step-by-step process, thinking to themselves (you will NOT hear this dialogue out loud), “I’d really like ketchup on my fries.”
Step 1: uncap the bottle by twisting the lid with just the proper amount of torqueage,
Step 2: hold the bottle at a 45% angle,
Step 3: apply the correct amount of pressure to the sweet spot and tap the bottle with an even distribution of pressure,
Step 4: wait patiently for ketchup to fall easily and precisely on desired spot,
Step 5: recap the bottle,
Step 6: recall history lesson—“ketchup was invented in 1801 by Sandy Addison whose recipe was later printed in an American cookbook, the Sugar House Book.” REMEMBER, YOU WILL NOT HEAR ANY OF THIS INTERNAL DIALOGUE. BOXES WILL BE THINKING THIS TO THEMSELVES.
Triangles will quickly and emphatically be the first to grab the ketchup bottle and BANG on the bottom until the ketchup comes out. OR, they could just point to someone and say, “YOU–pour me ketchup.”
A Circle will take the ketchup bottle and exclaim loudly, “Oh, I LOVE ketchup on my fries.” They will then talk you through the application process, “But I hate how long it takes. Don’t you?” They’ll tap the bottle and keep talking, “It takes FOREVER to get the ketchup out. When I was a little girl…”(insert long story here that involves a brother/sister or family member). Once a Circle has ketchup, they will offer ketchup to those around them, “Would you like ketchup? How about you, ketchup? Does anyone need ketchup?” They’ll make sure the table is cared for.
The Squiggle will grab a French frie, consider the ketchup bottle, but then scoop a fry-full of ketchup off your plate! OR they might just ask for mustard.
When ordering burgers and fries, think twice about setting your Boxes and Squiggles side-by-side. 😉
/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:””; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
The first time I listened to PsychoGeometrics by Dr. Susan Dellinger, the lights went on and the bells went off. Dr. Dellinger, using the geometric shapes of squares, circles, rectangles, triangles, and squiggles, simplified communication for me forever. I understood I was a squiggle—and that explained so much! PsychoGeometrics categorized my behaviors and justified them. When others—not like me–criticized the way I spoke or interacted, I only understood I did it differently then they did. I didn’t know my behaviors and actions were a particular “style,” and that there were many others like me!
Let me break it down for you. (And then you really have to check out the PsychoGeometrics website.)
If I were to line the 5 shapes up on the wall, point to the wall across the room and say, “Okay, friends, get to that wall,” here’s what would happen:
The Rectangle, often in a transitional state due to personal upheaval, would adapt. A Rectangle will evolve into and react like one of the other 4 shapes: triangle, square, circle, or squiggle.
The Triangle, the fast-paced project person, will race across the room and reach the wall first. They’ll check their watch and wonder what is taking the other shapes so long to cross the room. The Triangle will wait impatiently for a short time before they’re on to their next task.
The Circle, the slower-paced people person, will unite the team: “Let’s all take hands and cross the room together. Does anyone need a cup of coffee or a light jacket?” The Circle encourages and takes care of each member of their group. Don’t mistake them for gossips; they are open-hearted and kind and great on a team.
The Squiggle, the fast-paced people person, will simply disappear. They’ll eventually end up across the room and on the wall, but they’ll have finished a task or two, and might even have started another on the way. The Squiggle is optimistic, agreeable, and a big picture thinker.
The Square is the last shape to leave the wall. The Square, as a matter of fact, doesn’t have enough information yet to leave the wall. They have questions: at what time should they cross the room and arrive on the other wall? At what point precisely should the stand? How should they get there? Is there a procedure or system in place for crossing the room? The Square needs additional information and time to apply strategic thinking and logic.
When the task is simple—cross the room and get to the opposite wall—the communication styles of the 5 shapes are evident. Those styles are just as obvious in the working world, and it’s easy to know who you’re talking to when you know what behaviors to look for.
Check back for more PsychoGeometrics and how it applies to the social media platforms of Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, MySpace, and You Tube.
/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:””; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
Women are like teabags.
We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!
— Eleanor Roosevelt
The nation is in “hot water.” Each of us is being called to become clearer in our convictions, stronger in our faith, and more determined with our footsteps. None of us has a moral obligation to live our best life or help each other, but for most women those character traits come with two X chromosomes. We’re natural born nurturers—and we need strength to keep going and giving and loving and forgiving.
Tea not your thing? That’s okay; that’s the beauty of being in hot water. There’s coffee, hot chocolate, and Theraflu! All three mix wonderfully with hot water. There’s lemonade and jello and powdered milk and concrete. The flavors and possibilities are endless.
We don’t all need to drink tea. Each of us has our own preferences, our own beliefs, and our own values. If you were serving tea and someone wanted coffee, wouldn’t you do your best to accommodate them? Most hostesses would.
What divides us as a nation is not as strong as what unites us. Our strength lies in accommodating and serving a variety of flavors—no matter what you prefer in your own cup.
/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:””; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
When I first began teaching Stress Management for Women in 2000 I hated it! I was a full-time career woman traveling every other week while raising three kids. I loved my job and I loved my kids, but I wasn’t about to pretend I was an expert and stress-free just because I was teaching the topic! The more honest I was with my students, the less stressed we all became, and the topic has become one of my favorites to train. Through a series of exercises, we tackled our stress together.
This Swedish proverb reminded me of an exercise we did to help cut through the feelings of being overwhelmed, of being unable to identify the true causes: The More Of/Less Of exercise.
On a sheet of paper, list everything you “want more of” in your life. Then make of list of everything you “want less of” in your life. Take each item on both lists seriously. Brainstorm and figure out ways to tackle each item individually.
If you don’t know where to start, start with this proverb.
I was cleaning, condensing, and preparing for a move. I’d been in my home with my three children for 10 years. In the last three years my boyfriend had joined the mix and his 21 year old son stayed for short stints here and there. Tommy was currently staying.
I was moving into a girlfriend’s open basement. I had room for a few of my favorite things (actually, quite a few) but no room for fluff. Reducing to half my household content was the goal.
I had a staging area in the garage. As the closets got cleaned and cleared, every item was placed into boxes and piles: trash, goodwill/arc, Tommy’s pile, Jeff’s (my ex) pile, kid piles (Kaiti, Kyle, Justin), long-term storage, and immediate access pile.
Tommy had been bouncing back and forth between Colorado Springs, Monument, Denver, and Fort Collins. He traveled light and most of his things he’d left in storage—in my garage. His pile was growing. He was looking forward to a steady home-base in the Springs and was collecting his things when I showed up to help him sort.
I was lamenting on how easy it was for him to simply grab a few items and go. If only I were so unencumbered! I was sorting through ten years of memorabilia.
As Tommy was deciding what to take with him, I requested “If you don’t want to take it, then please don’t leave it,” not wanting to move one more item than necessary. He felt the same. Tommy took time to choose what he needed for his new place, sorted through items no longer needed and cleaned out as well.
We should all be required to clean up and out every ten years or so. Efficiency experts will say “what you own owns you,” and if you want to simplify your life, cleaning up and moving out is freeing. We all need to take responsibility for our junk: use it or get rid of it.
And no one gets to leave their junk behind!
Actually, I got an eye-full. It’d been a hell-of-a-night, followed by a hell-of-a-morning. I’d spent the night worrying—and that exhausts the living crap out of you. (Read Lost My Give-a-Shit if you’d like details.) I’d been mining my heart; fretting it, softening it, doubting it, preparing it to receive a greater gift: the gift of Understanding.
I was driving north on I-25, on my way to pick-up my best friend, Kook, and her daughter, Alex, from the airport. They were jetting in from Milan; they’d spent the last two weeks in Italy. It was a typical Rocky Mountain Sunset—spectacular. Oranges and pinks blended in to gray blues and purples. The clouds were stirrin’ up an Earth-Meets-Sky raspberry/grape smoothie.
The ride home was a swirl of conversation, a mix of stories from all of us. As they shared tales of drinking Italian roasted coffee from silver cups on a rose adorned and rose-petal covered patio, on a balcony overlooking the sea, I shared my excitement for the social networking seminar I’d attended, books I’d read on Facebook, Linked-in, and Twitter, updates to my websites, and the blog article I’d posted.
Kook talked of the beauty of the people, and I bemoaned I had no beautiful people to work with—and then I understood! I want beautiful people, with passionate businesses that I can believe in and promote. I want to blog and tweet and book my face off. I want to sit on my tush and earn a living by writing for others—telling their story and engaging in a dialog with their customers. I don’t need a ton of clients. I need two or three with companies or causes I support.
It seams so simple, now that “I got it.” Focus on the beautiful people! There’s no time for doubt. No time to worry. Only time to focus on others. What a glorious thought.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could take all words at face value? Fortunately we know that words are only one portion of the underlying message. Inflection, intonation, and body language also help us interpret and translate hidden meanings.
Take extra care and truly tune-in when you hear these words:
(1)Fine. Fine is most commonly used in two contexts, the first often in response to the question–how are you? Humorists would have us believe fine stands for: Fussed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. To self-help gurus, “fine” is the status quo and they suggest we respond with “great,” or “terrific” as opposed to “fine” to increase our energy and vibration. Fine has also come to symbolize the end of a conversation, usually when both or all parties are at a standstill. According to a recent funny email I received in reference to communication between the sexes,the author suggested “fine” is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you (men) need to shut up. It was attributed as a female response, but I’ve heard men fall back and punt with “fine” as well.
(2)Nothing. I often default to “nothing” when I just don’t have the energy, stimina, or patience to explain what’s going on inside my head. For example: what are you thinking? Nothing. A better response might be “it’s too complicated to explain.” John Gray, author of Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus, states men and women have very different uses for this word. Women can use it as a diversionary tactic. Men really tend to be thinking of “no thing–nothing.” “Nothing” is like a safe, mental box for men. The email I received said, when women use the word, “nothing” is the calm before the storm. Nothing really means something, and you should be on your toes if you hear it. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”
(3)Whatever. I hate to be “whatevered,” and I use the word rarely, and only with great frustration with even greater trepidation. “Whatever” is a dismissal, it means you are no longer listening to, honoring, or respecting the other person’s viewpoint. It symbolizes a communication breakdown or lack of interest in continuing the conversation. According to the email, it translates to “you’re an idiot and I’m not listening to you.” Use “whatever” cautiously. Interpretation will be up to the listener.
Avoid these common “watch out” words and enjoy smoother communications.
